Eat Pray Love

A year ago today I had a major brake down,one that I can honestly say changed my life. I had become the victim of something that I never wished on myself or anyone, but was something that I had been dealing with for years. At the end of this year (the past couple of days) I have done a lot of soul searching and have shed a lot of tears because, to be perfectly honest, I am so far from happy its not even funny. However I do really want to change that, starting today.

Tonight I watched a wonderful movie called EAT PRAY LOVE. I recommend it to anyone with a clear player because there are a few scenes that I would prefer to not have had in there (thank you mom for skipping over them!)

In this movie the main Actress is struggling to find herself she goes to Bali where a medicine man "predicts" her life. Through out the movie she pretty much does what I could only dream of doing. She travels. She starts her journey in Rome Italy (I dream of this place night and day!) As she is talking about Rome she mentions that it is a city that has just built its self up around the ruins of its past. She then says "ruin is a gift, ruin is the road to transformation."

Over this past year I have found more ruin in my life then I would care to admit. And I have just been standing here looking at it like poor me. When really I should be sitting here and becoming Rome and making it my gift by using it to transform my life to make it better and that starts to night. The movie then continued on with more Quotes that I am going to use to help me move on and to turn my ruin into my beauty. And heres how:

"If you can't master your thoughts your in trouble forever"--Oh how true this is. How often do we find ourselves putting what we are down because we dont like it. Not me, not anymore, tonight I want to begin trying to encourage myself to change with out degrading myself.

"Why can't you just let it be?'" --I have the hardest time with this. It is so hard for me to accept things the way they are so now, with the help of my Father in Heaven, I'm going to just learn to accept things the way they are, and accept that the Lord in in control of this one and not me.

"Its not that I need easy right now I just can't handle so hard" -- I think that we all feel this way sometimes. And I have found myself saying this all to often, especially lately. But I think its times like these when I need to be learning one of the most valuable lessons that the Lord has to offer. That lesson is; that I am stronger then even I think that I am.

"So miss Him. Send him all your love and light every time you think of Him, and drop it." -- This one will be hard for me, to miss and to let go and drop it. Over the past year I have learned to stand up for myself and to say "no more this isn't me being fair to myself" when a person, especially a friend, is walking all over me. And because of this I have had to let go of so many of my friends. Two of which I have had the hardest time letting go of. But because I know it is better for me to stand and say I am worth something and I deserve to be loved and treated as one who can be respected I have to let go and never go back no matter how hard I miss them. Or how much they say they miss me. I'll need to learn to send them my love and light and drop it so that I can FINALLY move on with my life.

"Waiting for someone to forgive you is a waste of time, FORGIVE YOURSELF."--These past couple of weeks I have been really hard on myself. I can't tell you how many times I have thought of saying to someone " do you ever just hate who you are?" I need to get past what all I have done I can't change the past but I can forgive myself for it. The Atonement of Jesus Christ has the answer to how I can do this and Starting tonight I'm going to learn how to do so. So that I can finally smile and really mean it again.

"Believe in Love again"-- This was one of those quotes that I felt like Heavenly father was Screaming "HELLO!!!! CHARMAINE?!?! ARE YOU LISTENING?!?!" There are so many scares that I have been so scared to make new ones but I think that I am ready to start trusting others so that they can see me for me and I for them so that I can fall in love and be happy!

"You find balance You find power." --wow k so I could definitely need to find a way to balance out my life better so that I can fit in those things that I need to get done in all aspects of life. Be it Spiritual, Physical, Emotional, or Intellectual. I will need to be able to find ways to fit it all in. and someday soon I hope to do so.

"Smile with your Face, Smile in your mind, and Even smile in your Liver."-- I need to learn to be truly happy so that everything in me is smiling :D

"the only way to heal is to trust"-- for me this means that I need to trust that someone will care enough to love me for me. And one day I want to say "yeah I can do that" hopefully that day truly is today but I have a feeling that it is something that I am going to have to work really hard on. So someday soon this one will come into play I'm sure of it.

"Its is ok to hurt when you have a plan."-- I need to stop letting all the pain rule my life and make a plan to let the hurt help me instead of hold me back like it has been doing.

"You don't need a man you need a champion" --Love is hard work and a man now days is known for leaving but a Champion will never give up so thats what im looking for now.

"When you set out in the world to help yourself sometimes you end up helping Tutti."-- The word Tutti is Italian means all or everyone. Since this past year has been very focused on me I am ready to find the balance on being able to help me by finding ways to serve "Tutti"

"I don't need to love you to prove that I love myself."--put simply I need to stop pleasing everyone else. Can I just tell you that I hate that I feel like I have to be responsible all of the time I just want to be happy and if that means I need to take risks well I am going to start. Which means I may be job less soon but you know what that is more then ok because I am more then ready for the next road of my life to start and this job cant and wont take me there.

"come back to yourself" --I need to always remember who I am. For three and a half years I forgot me because I let go of a huge part of me that I should have never let go of because I was listening to and pleasing someone else. So for me this means no matter what I go out and do to please or to help others I must always come back to me and make sure that I am helping me as well.

"I know your struggling but your changing and what a better place to do it surrounded by the Grace of God"--I saved this one for last. This road we call life isn't easy. but With God all things are possible so what better place to change then with him again like I did the first time. He will always be there to help me I just have to ask for his help. He has carried me before and he is willing to carry me again.

So life is looking up I just have to hold on to what I have learned and run with it so that I can change my life for the better.

some other quotes that I have obtained the past couple of days that have really helped me as well:

"Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough." -Oprah Winfrey

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.- Mark Twain

apathy is worse than hatred, people u love the most r those that can hurt u the worst & some scars will never go away...Yet through it all i've also come to realize that apathy exists so that people can choose to act & the people that matter r those that CHOOSE to. Also, the scars that don't go away are the ones meant to remind us that we were involved in something important--Jorden Sorenson (a friend on facebook)

Happiness Depends Upon Ourselves." Aristalle

I CAN DO THIS :D

Do you ever just get what you want?!?!

WARNING : This post is full of randomness!

Wednesday Night was like a total dream! Why you ask Well!!!! I attended the AMAZING!!! Sara Bareilles' Concert!

And OH MY GOSH it was so amazing!!! Anyone who knows me KNOWS that I am a HUGE

Sara Bareilles fan!!! I Love her music and her attitude about life in general! So when I heard she was coming into town I HAD to somehow get tickets. Then while sitting in guitar class I came up with the perfect reason to go! I needed to go to a couple concert that featured a guitar somewhere in it for credit for class. I figured that if I got go to one for free I could afford this one. So I went ahead and bought the ticket and I can not Tell you how excited I was to go! So finally the day came!

I went with my friend Dannie and the met up with Lyndsi and her husband Trent (one of my favorite couples)

Okay I know that I may be lame for doing this but This my firends is the lovely ticket that help

me fulfill my dream of going to A Sara bareilles Concert.

Sara came out to introduce the opening acts and I honestly think i just stood therewith this huge smile on my face.

Her Fist opening Act was a woman named Holly Conlan, and she was A.MAZ.ING! I will be

buying her CD.. when I have the money...if that ever happens!

Anyway her second opening act was Cary Brothers. And no that was not a band of three brothers it is one person first name Cary last name Brothers. I know I was surprised as well. However he was not very good sadly. But he is pretty much Nick's twin with

dark hair it's supper creepy! (nick is in Dannie's and my Guitar Class)

SO being someone who was a lighting designer for sometime I LOVE to watch the lights of a show and see what they are doing so in honer of that I took what would be considered a crappy pick so that you could see some of the color that was used.

After Cary was done they started to set up for Sara and We got board because they ended up taking for.ev.er! so as you can tell we had fun with the camera. (these aren't even 1/3rd of the photos that where taken)

There were SO many people there it was hard to take pictures of them all but here is a small corner of people!

Then finally Sara came out! We were all guessing what she would open with and we were all wrong! but if you ask me she kinda tricked us! She opened with Vegas from her last CD Little Voice but then went right into uncharted for her new CD Kaleidoscope Heart (which means that Lyndsi won)

The Concert Was amazing!!!! This last picture shows how close we were which was SO AWESOME!!!

So this is my song right now. I think only one person other then me really knows why but yeah I LOVE THIS SONG!

They like me for my eyes :D

So ever since school started the question "Whats new in your life?" has been one that I almost have dreaded. Why? Because my answer was always the same work and school and LDSSA. I love them all but that was all I was doing then before I new it

I was on an exit that had me almost hyperventilating. Anyone who knows me and I mean truly knows me knows that me and change do not get along well. I mean I am alway

s welcoming to it and I can put on a really good face but on the inside Im falling apart my mind likes to look at things differently then I do which makes me constantly

battle myself on this matter. however change came and I think that I have been embracing it very well! Out of all of it I hove found its all affected by one thing.

My music and the things effecting it. Do you know how when you are trying to figure something out and you get so frustrated then you figure it out and it finally clicks. Thats how I feel. Music just is so natural and easy for the most part for me I am in heaven every day and I love it! which ties me in perfectly to my final major change that i am making.

About a week or two ago i took a music theory test and felt so good about it. i knew all the information and have known it for sometime now so i was not worried in the least bit about this test...until i got it back I had failed the test. I didn't know what

had happened but i knew that something was up. I went to the student Accessibility services at UVU to get help. all that they did was tell me that I needed to go take this $215 test to see if i had Dyslexia or in my case if it had gotten worse. Now remember I'm a college student paying tuition out of my own pocket I dont have $215 dollars to pay for this test.

My mom being the thinker that she is decided to first take me to the eye doctor to make sure that it wasn't just my eyes that were the problem. Being that my optometrist specializes in eye therapy and that i am about due for a check up anyway this was a much cheaper option then the other way.Today we went in for the check up.

Turns out I have a form of lazy eye. My eyes are fine when strait forward and relaxed but when I have to focus on something close like a test my eyes can only last about five min before my eyes go lazy. And yes i have hit that point so know its hard for me to proof read things so this probably needs a lot of help editing wise but I no longer care :D I started therapy today and i will have this problem fixed soon im sure of it. Until then I now enjoy playing with my lazy eyes after I get done with therapy for the day. It makes me laugh and makes me enjoy my eyes that much more! Which were already my favorite part about me:)

Pitty party for me?!?!

So tonight was the presidents ball at uvu which i wanted to go but after not getting asked and even though i did have a free ticket because of my calling I didn't really want to go. i couldn't think of anyone to ask nor did I want to be the one asking. im the girl its not my job. Well my friend who i love dearly talked me into going. she making it seem like there were a group of people just going not on dates and saying that she really wanted me there i gave in... Then i showed up and found out that not only did everyone in the group have a date except for me but this girl had decided that i would just share her date. Her date had as much knowledge on the matter as i did. Can you say Awkward?!?! So to make things easier on him (could kinda tell that he didn't like the two date idea) I went to the food area and talked with my co-workers...and a few others here and there. I was planning on just taking off i was so embarrassed for even showing up I Kept thinking of how i had a lovely night planned with writing a letter to a missionary hanging out in my pj's and cleaning my room. It was the perfect plan and I was all ready to go do it...Until I got stopped and told that I should hang out til around 9:15 when my friend was going to propose to my other friend so I stayed. (at this point in time it was MAYBE 8 if not earlier) the girl that had talked me into coming decided that we would all dance (again her date did not like this idea) so after saying that I would sit down she stated that I could dance with him the next dance. i went and sat down my self esteem drained from my body, I could stop my mind from thinking things like wow im really not good enough for any of the guys I know I'm so weird that Im now one of those Pitty date girls where the guys ask the first girl and then get roped into taking another girl because she would never be able to get a date on her own. After realizing this i went and hid. For two reasons one her date did not want me there it wasn't fair to him. but the main reason is i was so embarrassed and ashamed that I was there on those conditions I wasn't willing to let myself be that girl.

I started out today in an amazing mood and in fact stayed in it til i found out the date situation. I was confident and happy i just wanted to get few things done and write back a missionary that had taken the time to write me. (of his own free will mind you) Now im not going to lie to you ive been in and out of tears since I got home. I didn't need this Pitty party yet I got it anyway. i honestly have no idea why I even got it. Yes there have been various family and just normal life things that have be "blowing up" in my life. but WHATS NEW?!?! I am to swim in some very deep water, I dont expect just anyone to swim with me

. It going to be someone who can handle it and is swimming in his own deep water as well. Until he comes along im content to swim alone im very used to it to be honest and yeah i would love for him to come home tomorrow but he wont I dont know when he is coming into my life or if he already has. I would rather wait then settle for some of the guys out there right now that are so shallow that give it a few min and they are on to the next girl but pretend to still be on you. or that talk about girls like they are a sports car. I'm never going to be that skinny girl that everyone is in love with but i have more to offer then i let just anyone see. the things that people do see i hope aren't that bad either

I dont mean to be sounding boastful that is not the point of this. The point is that you never know the true story behind what a persons background is. Unless this person has come out and said to you "I'm just going to have to accept the fact that you kn

ow everything" be careful about when and why you are throwing Pitty parties. There might be more of a benefit for the both of you if you to just do something for this person like bring them flowers or cookies or writing them notes or something instead of bringing them down (I realize this was not the intention tonight but that is what happened) To often we assume that we are right about what a person needs or what they should do in their own lives to make them happy. We need to realize that we can help if they ask but other then that they will be receiving their own revelation or they even know what they need already. otherwise we are only pushing people away. I hope that we all learn this lesson Im going to work on it thats for sure. Please dont do this to anyone! It hurts a lot.....

HELP!!!!!

So because finances are so tight I need scholarships in order to continue going to school next semester so heres the dell I need your help please both view and vote for this picture so that i can get this scholarship! Please Please PLEASE help me out!!! i am begging you here!!

Me and My BFF Brickfish

The past couple of days I have wanted to post something here and today I honestly cant think of why that is... like at all... but Can just say that I am so thankful for the Lords tender mercies in our lives. Though we may be going through something so hard that we are sitting there crying and asking how we are going to get through this there are tender mercies happening all around us. When we have our "hardest days" and just want to go to bed and a friend invites us to go to a activity with her and her stake. You reluctantly go only to find its the only thing could have pulled you out of your slump. I'm very thankful for the tender mercies that I have felt this week. Especially for the ones that I call friends.

http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&sourceId=0a838fbe352fe010VgnVCM100000176f620a____&vgnextoid=f318118dd536c010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD

I heart Life

what else is there to say! Today was amazing! i got to here from THREE apostles and TWO other general authorities and its not even general conference yet thats not for another couple of weeks! and today haha oh wow. so i like this kid and I tried so hard to sit by him at the CES fireside i mean so hard! and for once i was subtle and no im not just saying that my best friend was shocked that i was so subtle after hearing this story im that bad at being subtle! anyway so i had it all figured out i was going to sit by him and i was so excited that it was really working out...then when they showed up it turned out that i wasn't told to save enough seats so one person had to sit with someone else...this one person..no worries it was the guy that i had been trying so hard to sit by...So i just sat back and laughed it was pretty awesome! i think if this continues i may just come out and tell him to ask me out cause my luck right her sucks but hey at least i have had an awesome laugh because of it right?!?! haha