Eat Pray Love

A year ago today I had a major brake down,one that I can honestly say changed my life. I had become the victim of something that I never wished on myself or anyone, but was something that I had been dealing with for years. At the end of this year (the past couple of days) I have done a lot of soul searching and have shed a lot of tears because, to be perfectly honest, I am so far from happy its not even funny. However I do really want to change that, starting today.

Tonight I watched a wonderful movie called EAT PRAY LOVE. I recommend it to anyone with a clear player because there are a few scenes that I would prefer to not have had in there (thank you mom for skipping over them!)

In this movie the main Actress is struggling to find herself she goes to Bali where a medicine man "predicts" her life. Through out the movie she pretty much does what I could only dream of doing. She travels. She starts her journey in Rome Italy (I dream of this place night and day!) As she is talking about Rome she mentions that it is a city that has just built its self up around the ruins of its past. She then says "ruin is a gift, ruin is the road to transformation."

Over this past year I have found more ruin in my life then I would care to admit. And I have just been standing here looking at it like poor me. When really I should be sitting here and becoming Rome and making it my gift by using it to transform my life to make it better and that starts to night. The movie then continued on with more Quotes that I am going to use to help me move on and to turn my ruin into my beauty. And heres how:

"If you can't master your thoughts your in trouble forever"--Oh how true this is. How often do we find ourselves putting what we are down because we dont like it. Not me, not anymore, tonight I want to begin trying to encourage myself to change with out degrading myself.

"Why can't you just let it be?'" --I have the hardest time with this. It is so hard for me to accept things the way they are so now, with the help of my Father in Heaven, I'm going to just learn to accept things the way they are, and accept that the Lord in in control of this one and not me.

"Its not that I need easy right now I just can't handle so hard" -- I think that we all feel this way sometimes. And I have found myself saying this all to often, especially lately. But I think its times like these when I need to be learning one of the most valuable lessons that the Lord has to offer. That lesson is; that I am stronger then even I think that I am.

"So miss Him. Send him all your love and light every time you think of Him, and drop it." -- This one will be hard for me, to miss and to let go and drop it. Over the past year I have learned to stand up for myself and to say "no more this isn't me being fair to myself" when a person, especially a friend, is walking all over me. And because of this I have had to let go of so many of my friends. Two of which I have had the hardest time letting go of. But because I know it is better for me to stand and say I am worth something and I deserve to be loved and treated as one who can be respected I have to let go and never go back no matter how hard I miss them. Or how much they say they miss me. I'll need to learn to send them my love and light and drop it so that I can FINALLY move on with my life.

"Waiting for someone to forgive you is a waste of time, FORGIVE YOURSELF."--These past couple of weeks I have been really hard on myself. I can't tell you how many times I have thought of saying to someone " do you ever just hate who you are?" I need to get past what all I have done I can't change the past but I can forgive myself for it. The Atonement of Jesus Christ has the answer to how I can do this and Starting tonight I'm going to learn how to do so. So that I can finally smile and really mean it again.

"Believe in Love again"-- This was one of those quotes that I felt like Heavenly father was Screaming "HELLO!!!! CHARMAINE?!?! ARE YOU LISTENING?!?!" There are so many scares that I have been so scared to make new ones but I think that I am ready to start trusting others so that they can see me for me and I for them so that I can fall in love and be happy!

"You find balance You find power." --wow k so I could definitely need to find a way to balance out my life better so that I can fit in those things that I need to get done in all aspects of life. Be it Spiritual, Physical, Emotional, or Intellectual. I will need to be able to find ways to fit it all in. and someday soon I hope to do so.

"Smile with your Face, Smile in your mind, and Even smile in your Liver."-- I need to learn to be truly happy so that everything in me is smiling :D

"the only way to heal is to trust"-- for me this means that I need to trust that someone will care enough to love me for me. And one day I want to say "yeah I can do that" hopefully that day truly is today but I have a feeling that it is something that I am going to have to work really hard on. So someday soon this one will come into play I'm sure of it.

"Its is ok to hurt when you have a plan."-- I need to stop letting all the pain rule my life and make a plan to let the hurt help me instead of hold me back like it has been doing.

"You don't need a man you need a champion" --Love is hard work and a man now days is known for leaving but a Champion will never give up so thats what im looking for now.

"When you set out in the world to help yourself sometimes you end up helping Tutti."-- The word Tutti is Italian means all or everyone. Since this past year has been very focused on me I am ready to find the balance on being able to help me by finding ways to serve "Tutti"

"I don't need to love you to prove that I love myself."--put simply I need to stop pleasing everyone else. Can I just tell you that I hate that I feel like I have to be responsible all of the time I just want to be happy and if that means I need to take risks well I am going to start. Which means I may be job less soon but you know what that is more then ok because I am more then ready for the next road of my life to start and this job cant and wont take me there.

"come back to yourself" --I need to always remember who I am. For three and a half years I forgot me because I let go of a huge part of me that I should have never let go of because I was listening to and pleasing someone else. So for me this means no matter what I go out and do to please or to help others I must always come back to me and make sure that I am helping me as well.

"I know your struggling but your changing and what a better place to do it surrounded by the Grace of God"--I saved this one for last. This road we call life isn't easy. but With God all things are possible so what better place to change then with him again like I did the first time. He will always be there to help me I just have to ask for his help. He has carried me before and he is willing to carry me again.

So life is looking up I just have to hold on to what I have learned and run with it so that I can change my life for the better.

some other quotes that I have obtained the past couple of days that have really helped me as well:

"Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough." -Oprah Winfrey

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.- Mark Twain

apathy is worse than hatred, people u love the most r those that can hurt u the worst & some scars will never go away...Yet through it all i've also come to realize that apathy exists so that people can choose to act & the people that matter r those that CHOOSE to. Also, the scars that don't go away are the ones meant to remind us that we were involved in something important--Jorden Sorenson (a friend on facebook)

Happiness Depends Upon Ourselves." Aristalle

I CAN DO THIS :D

Do you ever just get what you want?!?!

WARNING : This post is full of randomness!

Wednesday Night was like a total dream! Why you ask Well!!!! I attended the AMAZING!!! Sara Bareilles' Concert!

And OH MY GOSH it was so amazing!!! Anyone who knows me KNOWS that I am a HUGE

Sara Bareilles fan!!! I Love her music and her attitude about life in general! So when I heard she was coming into town I HAD to somehow get tickets. Then while sitting in guitar class I came up with the perfect reason to go! I needed to go to a couple concert that featured a guitar somewhere in it for credit for class. I figured that if I got go to one for free I could afford this one. So I went ahead and bought the ticket and I can not Tell you how excited I was to go! So finally the day came!

I went with my friend Dannie and the met up with Lyndsi and her husband Trent (one of my favorite couples)

Okay I know that I may be lame for doing this but This my firends is the lovely ticket that help

me fulfill my dream of going to A Sara bareilles Concert.

Sara came out to introduce the opening acts and I honestly think i just stood therewith this huge smile on my face.

Her Fist opening Act was a woman named Holly Conlan, and she was A.MAZ.ING! I will be

buying her CD.. when I have the money...if that ever happens!

Anyway her second opening act was Cary Brothers. And no that was not a band of three brothers it is one person first name Cary last name Brothers. I know I was surprised as well. However he was not very good sadly. But he is pretty much Nick's twin with

dark hair it's supper creepy! (nick is in Dannie's and my Guitar Class)

SO being someone who was a lighting designer for sometime I LOVE to watch the lights of a show and see what they are doing so in honer of that I took what would be considered a crappy pick so that you could see some of the color that was used.

After Cary was done they started to set up for Sara and We got board because they ended up taking for.ev.er! so as you can tell we had fun with the camera. (these aren't even 1/3rd of the photos that where taken)

There were SO many people there it was hard to take pictures of them all but here is a small corner of people!

Then finally Sara came out! We were all guessing what she would open with and we were all wrong! but if you ask me she kinda tricked us! She opened with Vegas from her last CD Little Voice but then went right into uncharted for her new CD Kaleidoscope Heart (which means that Lyndsi won)

The Concert Was amazing!!!! This last picture shows how close we were which was SO AWESOME!!!

So this is my song right now. I think only one person other then me really knows why but yeah I LOVE THIS SONG!

They like me for my eyes :D

So ever since school started the question "Whats new in your life?" has been one that I almost have dreaded. Why? Because my answer was always the same work and school and LDSSA. I love them all but that was all I was doing then before I new it

I was on an exit that had me almost hyperventilating. Anyone who knows me and I mean truly knows me knows that me and change do not get along well. I mean I am alway

s welcoming to it and I can put on a really good face but on the inside Im falling apart my mind likes to look at things differently then I do which makes me constantly

battle myself on this matter. however change came and I think that I have been embracing it very well! Out of all of it I hove found its all affected by one thing.

My music and the things effecting it. Do you know how when you are trying to figure something out and you get so frustrated then you figure it out and it finally clicks. Thats how I feel. Music just is so natural and easy for the most part for me I am in heaven every day and I love it! which ties me in perfectly to my final major change that i am making.

About a week or two ago i took a music theory test and felt so good about it. i knew all the information and have known it for sometime now so i was not worried in the least bit about this test...until i got it back I had failed the test. I didn't know what

had happened but i knew that something was up. I went to the student Accessibility services at UVU to get help. all that they did was tell me that I needed to go take this $215 test to see if i had Dyslexia or in my case if it had gotten worse. Now remember I'm a college student paying tuition out of my own pocket I dont have $215 dollars to pay for this test.

My mom being the thinker that she is decided to first take me to the eye doctor to make sure that it wasn't just my eyes that were the problem. Being that my optometrist specializes in eye therapy and that i am about due for a check up anyway this was a much cheaper option then the other way.Today we went in for the check up.

Turns out I have a form of lazy eye. My eyes are fine when strait forward and relaxed but when I have to focus on something close like a test my eyes can only last about five min before my eyes go lazy. And yes i have hit that point so know its hard for me to proof read things so this probably needs a lot of help editing wise but I no longer care :D I started therapy today and i will have this problem fixed soon im sure of it. Until then I now enjoy playing with my lazy eyes after I get done with therapy for the day. It makes me laugh and makes me enjoy my eyes that much more! Which were already my favorite part about me:)

Pitty party for me?!?!

So tonight was the presidents ball at uvu which i wanted to go but after not getting asked and even though i did have a free ticket because of my calling I didn't really want to go. i couldn't think of anyone to ask nor did I want to be the one asking. im the girl its not my job. Well my friend who i love dearly talked me into going. she making it seem like there were a group of people just going not on dates and saying that she really wanted me there i gave in... Then i showed up and found out that not only did everyone in the group have a date except for me but this girl had decided that i would just share her date. Her date had as much knowledge on the matter as i did. Can you say Awkward?!?! So to make things easier on him (could kinda tell that he didn't like the two date idea) I went to the food area and talked with my co-workers...and a few others here and there. I was planning on just taking off i was so embarrassed for even showing up I Kept thinking of how i had a lovely night planned with writing a letter to a missionary hanging out in my pj's and cleaning my room. It was the perfect plan and I was all ready to go do it...Until I got stopped and told that I should hang out til around 9:15 when my friend was going to propose to my other friend so I stayed. (at this point in time it was MAYBE 8 if not earlier) the girl that had talked me into coming decided that we would all dance (again her date did not like this idea) so after saying that I would sit down she stated that I could dance with him the next dance. i went and sat down my self esteem drained from my body, I could stop my mind from thinking things like wow im really not good enough for any of the guys I know I'm so weird that Im now one of those Pitty date girls where the guys ask the first girl and then get roped into taking another girl because she would never be able to get a date on her own. After realizing this i went and hid. For two reasons one her date did not want me there it wasn't fair to him. but the main reason is i was so embarrassed and ashamed that I was there on those conditions I wasn't willing to let myself be that girl.

I started out today in an amazing mood and in fact stayed in it til i found out the date situation. I was confident and happy i just wanted to get few things done and write back a missionary that had taken the time to write me. (of his own free will mind you) Now im not going to lie to you ive been in and out of tears since I got home. I didn't need this Pitty party yet I got it anyway. i honestly have no idea why I even got it. Yes there have been various family and just normal life things that have be "blowing up" in my life. but WHATS NEW?!?! I am to swim in some very deep water, I dont expect just anyone to swim with me

. It going to be someone who can handle it and is swimming in his own deep water as well. Until he comes along im content to swim alone im very used to it to be honest and yeah i would love for him to come home tomorrow but he wont I dont know when he is coming into my life or if he already has. I would rather wait then settle for some of the guys out there right now that are so shallow that give it a few min and they are on to the next girl but pretend to still be on you. or that talk about girls like they are a sports car. I'm never going to be that skinny girl that everyone is in love with but i have more to offer then i let just anyone see. the things that people do see i hope aren't that bad either

I dont mean to be sounding boastful that is not the point of this. The point is that you never know the true story behind what a persons background is. Unless this person has come out and said to you "I'm just going to have to accept the fact that you kn

ow everything" be careful about when and why you are throwing Pitty parties. There might be more of a benefit for the both of you if you to just do something for this person like bring them flowers or cookies or writing them notes or something instead of bringing them down (I realize this was not the intention tonight but that is what happened) To often we assume that we are right about what a person needs or what they should do in their own lives to make them happy. We need to realize that we can help if they ask but other then that they will be receiving their own revelation or they even know what they need already. otherwise we are only pushing people away. I hope that we all learn this lesson Im going to work on it thats for sure. Please dont do this to anyone! It hurts a lot.....

HELP!!!!!

So because finances are so tight I need scholarships in order to continue going to school next semester so heres the dell I need your help please both view and vote for this picture so that i can get this scholarship! Please Please PLEASE help me out!!! i am begging you here!!

Me and My BFF Brickfish

The past couple of days I have wanted to post something here and today I honestly cant think of why that is... like at all... but Can just say that I am so thankful for the Lords tender mercies in our lives. Though we may be going through something so hard that we are sitting there crying and asking how we are going to get through this there are tender mercies happening all around us. When we have our "hardest days" and just want to go to bed and a friend invites us to go to a activity with her and her stake. You reluctantly go only to find its the only thing could have pulled you out of your slump. I'm very thankful for the tender mercies that I have felt this week. Especially for the ones that I call friends.

http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&sourceId=0a838fbe352fe010VgnVCM100000176f620a____&vgnextoid=f318118dd536c010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD

I heart Life

what else is there to say! Today was amazing! i got to here from THREE apostles and TWO other general authorities and its not even general conference yet thats not for another couple of weeks! and today haha oh wow. so i like this kid and I tried so hard to sit by him at the CES fireside i mean so hard! and for once i was subtle and no im not just saying that my best friend was shocked that i was so subtle after hearing this story im that bad at being subtle! anyway so i had it all figured out i was going to sit by him and i was so excited that it was really working out...then when they showed up it turned out that i wasn't told to save enough seats so one person had to sit with someone else...this one person..no worries it was the guy that i had been trying so hard to sit by...So i just sat back and laughed it was pretty awesome! i think if this continues i may just come out and tell him to ask me out cause my luck right her sucks but hey at least i have had an awesome laugh because of it right?!?! haha

Nine years Since 9/11

"Where were you when the world stopped turning on that September day?"

I remember so much I even remember the dream I had the night before. I was living in Boise, ID at the time and there was a huge tree near the house we were living in at the time. In the dream that tree caught on fire. My sisters and I ran across the street. the tree turned into this huge fireball with a face that was screaming "my leg my leg". Being a 12 year old little girl this dream had really shaken me up. Then I remember walking into my prime time class (homeroom) and see on the TV that the first tower had been hit. Honestly i was in 7th grade and was to smart when it came to the news and what was going on i kinda lived in my own world until this day happened. For some reason it took me a while to realize t

hat this was happen to us in America i thought it was in London for about the first ten min until the second plain hit. I remember all the fear in our class as we realized that we are under attack a

nd my teachers wondering if they should cancel class or not. My teacher was a math teacher and was one that everyone loved because she was so laid back. Seeing her leave the room with tears in her eyes...I cant forget that. We watched TV for the first 2 and a half hours of class. The school told us to turn off the TV and to try and have a normal day. How could this day ever be normal? the rest of the day was spent talking about how we felt and en

ded early because we had a teacher who has a friend working in th towers the entire faculty could handle it. The weeks past and the nation felt united we all for once acted up to our name the UNITED states of america. I loved that feel I felt safe no matter what.

As the years went by we once again became the DIVIDED states of america (ps i think that this is what the terrorists wanted...just sayin) As A junior in High school I was given the opportunity to Produce a play entitled "The Guys" ( i jus

t found out that

they made a movie out of it oh and that its a true story i mean that joan and nick their story really happened...) Its about 9-11 and is one of the most touching plays that i have ever been blessed to be a part of. here is a lynk to the trail for the movie. http://www.imdb.com/video/screenplay/vi3381461273/ this play made 9-11 so real for me> i made the goal to go see the site of the world trade centers.

This past year i made it there

This picture is of the construction site where they are building the new world trad

e center. I almost wanted it still to be the whole in the ground but i am so glad that it wasn't because now we as a nation are healing and the new yorkers are too.

Here is another picture of it. This place was hollowed and I could feel it even though there were so many people just rushing by to me it was so somber. there is a subway station right underneath where this happened I wanted to see it because the subway trains that go by always slow down just a little in reverence for the people who died that day. I never did see it though, I it is something that i would love to go back and see one day.

To end this i love this song it means so much more to me now that i have been there. and Brian if your reading this every time i hear this i think of you. thank you for being my tour guide and taking me to see this site even though it was such a long distance away! I miss you friend!

This ones for the boys!

Ok all you RM's I have something to say to you so listen up. I am so thankful for you all going out and serving a full time mission so let me make that clear before I start.I know that your mission is an amazing thing and i am not trying to put it down in anyway shape or form I would never do that.

The past couple of weeks I have noticed a lot more of you guys thinking and even more stating that you would rather be back on your missions right now. Now I'm not just coming out of left field I've asked plenty of questions about why it is and here is what i have to say about it.

Ok yes i get it your mission was the best two years of your life but some of you guys have been home for two years! What have you done since then? maybe your mission was so great because you were doing what you were sent here to do. Build his kingdom. Im sorry but hello look around you! I know some of you live in Utah and feel like you can get away with the whole " everyone is Mormon" excuse but when you stop to think about it you know thats not an excuse at all! I know that you all know AT LEAST one member that isn't active why is it ok to ignore them now when if you were on your mission you would have befriended them and tried to get them to come back?

I honestly don't get it we are all here on missions "every member missionary" why can't every member be a missionary right now! its very frustrating to me.

Oh and one more thing some of you are so caught up on you mission that you cant let go to move on with your life. some refuse to date because of it. Well guess what boys raising a family and the children in it is one of the greatest missions you will ever know. I've seen it in my brothers as they have raised their families. I know that your mission is an amazing thing and i am not trying to put it down in anyway im just saying that stop letting it stop you. In lots of way your letting Satan stop you by helping you think that your mission is the best that you will ever have when you are missing out on so much more by doing so.

Ok i know that most of you could careless that I even put this out there but i hope that I at least got through to one of you. Your mission isnt over yet! your still living in it please dont give up!

Back to School

Ok so back to school after only a week and a half off going back to school would be so hard...for everyone except those of us that are super excited for their classes. This week has been so crazy!

On Monday we had our first LDSSA council meeting and let me tell you it was so amazing! Ever since retreat I have felt so close to these people! I love them! (P.S. a post on retreat is still on its way im waiting for pictures to go up that I can use:) I can not even tell you the way a feel around these people the best was to describe it is that i know that each and everyone of us are there for a reason and that the lord is having us work together and be friends for a reason. It is truly amazing! I think on thing that plays a major role in it is knowing that there are a few people that are on council that honestly i couldn't say that I would be friends with with out it. I am so glad that we are friends though because some of them are my best friends now.

Anyway back to the meeting as i said it was amazing..we tend to get off track but im hoping that that will soon change. I was just loving the meeting so much that I honestly forgot to watch the time so that i wouldn't be late to work (meeting starts at 7 and i have to be at work by 8) So Sitting there taking notes and then as if on cue Dani turns to me and whispers "char char dont you have work?" right as i get a txt from my boss. yeah i was ten min late to work no big... only very big deal because I waled in and we had a lot to do....which normally not a big deal but in the case it was a HUGE! deal. why you ask? Well i work with ALL men and have ever since i started working there. I havent minded to much until this monday. The men i work with...have stoped caring that they work with a woman and its a hard environment to work to work in because of it. I pretty much went from super amazing spirit to spirit gone its like it left as soon as i walked back into the kitchen. i still love my job only I dont I hate being there like i dread going into work. I never dread going into this job ive loved it since the day I started....My boss stared noticing this...its a good thin that i started looking for another job.

however the job hunt is for more then one reason. The main reason is that I have to get into my major I have fallen in love with my music again which can i just say is so hard to explain to people that say they are my "friends" because they dont believe me but its all because i moved that I lost it and now its back I can't wait to get into my music major! and that means finding a new job because right now i work right over the times that they hold their classes. so lets all pray that I have a new job soon ok?

Tuesday was a normal day Except for the whole job hunt thing which is not so fun but i have to apply for at least 3 jobs a day and yeah.

Wednesday day...oh Wednesday. I loved Wednesday it was such an amazing day! I went to work and THERE WERE PEOPLE!!! I haven't seen people in so long i loved it! I was so happy about it. i worked 7 hours the longest shift that i have worked in about four months which is nice because that means money which makes me so happy! my only problem with it is because I dropped my 3pm class i can now work til im not needed....which i know is my own fault but i wish i had a set time to get off ya know?

After getting off work I went and did institute stuff (shocker) the had my first class which is Group Guitar! It is so much fun! I need an instrument to perform with so its about time that I learn how to really play this one as apposed to pretending like i do haha. I love the class already. A guy walked in with my friends Guitar and because of it we are practicing together it should be fun! Then an institute class YAY!!! I love it! I am excited to be back in the game last year all i took was choir so this will be awesome!

Thursday I love because i only work til 1130 and dont have class til 12 so i get to go chill at the institute and the go to more music! Its fundamentals of music and its the last class i need before going full swing in my major and I cant wait!

Friday i have Zumba and even though we didn't work out this week i came home so drained and ready for bed (it was only 7) I love Zumba but It will kick my butt because its at the end of the week!

My cousin got baptized on Saturday so we stayed the night up at my grandparents. My grandma informed me that i would no longer be getting birthday money (my birthday is on Tuesday so this wasn't out of no where that she brought it up) i am the oldest single grandchild so they had to cap it somewhere and so they choses 20 for the cap and that is totally ok with me. But then told me that they were giving me money for school!!!! this was such a blessing! It wasn't a lot but it was enough to get what i needed to still get i love them! and I am so excited for this amazing semester to get going :)

and on to the next crazy week...

The love of my life

No I'm not dating anyone but i do have a new love of my life it is known as LDSSA. We had a retreat this last week to kind of kick things off and im not going to lie to you i have never been so in love with a call in my life! I dont know what it is about it but sharing the gospel and making all those around me happy is worth it.

these girls are total life saves when I have felt like no one else what there ( which pretty sums up my summer) they were I cant tell you how many times i heard "what Charmaine why didnt you tell me!!!" for any kind of news that I had.

I know that the Lord placed me here right now for a reason and I can't totally tell you why but I know that I have been.

I have not had the easiest summers but because thats kind if a normal thing i decided to just ignore it. let me clarify one thing before i move on this summer wasn't hard for me because of things I was going through but things others were going through. i didn't know how to help and in some way it made me feel a lone. I couldn't talk to them about it for fear of it only making it worse for them but also i wanted them to know that I loved them. it was not easy. Because of this and a few other things I found myself in s rut that i couldn't get out of. Then retreat came along and we were asked to take some time to just be with ourself and the lord. i went off and cried for about and hour and a half and came back so happy. i am so thankful for the lord and this calling. I cam back with a testimony of where i am who i am and that the Lord has lead me to the right calling and that I have been prepared to do a greater work. A work that am so excited for! "Its more then i deserve and It takes my Breath away"

Cheri Call has a song that explains exactly how i feel right now i couldn't find it on you tube for it...so i bought the song and made one really fast. Its called leave it like it is. Enjoy!

procrastination clock

In My English class we have this clock at a two second glance you might wonder if it was working or not. However if you were to just stare at the clock (this class can be that boring at times) the second hand is just waiting for five seconds. Every five seconds the second hand moves rapidly to the next number then stops for four seconds then races to catch up its quite entertaining to be honest but it got me thinking. I am on the institute council at the orem institute of religion and have learned how procrastination effects those around us. I have had to pick up others "dropped balls" and they have left me racing to catch up so i like to think that this procrastination clock has taught me a lesson...but we will see

new blog

hey guys Ive got a new blog check it out...ill still be using this one just follow both k
http://notjustaheartthrob.blogspot.com/
love ya
charmaie

dating advice

I have been given a ton of dating advice lately and for the most part its become very annoying mostly because I dont really care to date right now. why you ask? well there are a couple of reasons. too many

Recently Ive cried a lot over stupid boys that turned out to be not what they looked to be in the beginning. I realize that this is normally how it is I've just gotten a lot of it within the past couple of months.

However this isn't the main reason why dating is not on my list of top 10 things to do right now heck i wouldn't even put it on top twenty.

honestly its because of all the False advice. I've been told a number of things when it comes to dating. Some of my favorites were "when your starting a relationship too much communication is possible and its a really bad thing" "well you could flirt a lot more" (i'm not a "natural" flirt in fact flirting goes way out of my comfort zone) "Put make up on more often boys will look at you then" (i almost never wear make up anymore) "go work out more often" (haha have you seen my schedule I am luck to get the 3 hours a week that i do get)

Now before you go on thinking that i was asking for this advice let me tell you that I never asked for it!

However I have always been one to humor people even if it is for no good reason other then to just make then happy. Even though it was NEVER making me happy.

So this week here is what happened. At the risk of getting sick again I realized how unhappy I truly was. When i stopped to think about i came up wit this resolution

Look Im me and I'm not changing. if I'm to much for a guy to handle to bad! One day some guy will come along and fall for me because I'm me if he came and fell for someone im not i would feel stuck and I'm so much more fun to be around if im myself.

I now also have some rules. and have had them long before I got any of this advice. for example make up only goes on for me because i want to look pretty not because I want so random guy that I know nothing about to fall for me.

I work out because I want to stay healthy most of my life i have been sick but now i feel amazing who cares if im not as thin as my sisters I'm not doing anything wrong by it.

And most importantly if I'm not happy im not me.

i hope everyone remembers that. Its more important for you to be you then for you to be someone else. wouldn't you love the person you fall in love with to really be that person? then why not give them the same curiosity?!?!

Love you all!

Charly Paige

the power of the spirit

I gave a talk in church today. When brother Jones announced my topic i didn't stick to the topic as well as i had though and my thoughts quickly went to how can i revise this to work for what they wanted? I slowly stood and gave the talk that i had prepared. The entire time i was praying and begging the father to let the spirit guide me through my talk and let it touch someone. Then i had the thought remember how strong the spirit was as you wrote it? It will still be there. none the less i still stood there begging the father to help me. As i sat down I felt that i had failed i had been asked to talk on one topic and i had only touched on it. then with tears stuck in his eyes brother Jones said that was just what was needed. and so did many others. granted there were the few who would rather put me down then say nothing at all but for the first time i felt want it was truly like to be the Lord servant and be used to help those around me in ways that i can't imagine. I am so thank for this experience and for my father who listen to his little girl plead with him even though he had already answered her prayer and comforted her in the way she needed even though he could have just put peace in her he gave her so much more. I Love this church!

Wow can I REALLY concisder myself a chef?!?! that owns her own catering business?

So a couple of weeks ago my best friend threw a private prom for our friend that didn't get asked to her senior prom. so Nettie wsa a sweet heart and planned one for her, and i was blessed to be able to cook a meal for everyone...well word got around and now I'm doing the food for my friends wedding and i have another person talking to me about it. how did this happen? Yeah I started cooking as a chef in august but that was just in august. Ths is kinda cool but scary at the same tme. ill talk pics and let you know how it turns out!

9 months gone bye

Um where has the past nine months gone?!?! SO much has changed. Nettie had her baby Tiff is now married Ty is now on his mission and im still here in orem ut. Do you ever feel like your stuck? Cause thats where I am at. I don't feel like I accomplished anything this year. I mean I did have surgery so I'm not sick anymore and that feels amazing! But really is that all that I can say i accomplished? cause let me tell you its not much....lets just say maybe the next time you hear from me I wont be in orem anymore...lets hope

Becomeing Okay With Being Me

Wow its been a while since I have updated my blog! So much has happened. I've moved out of my parents house and I am now living on my own In Orem, UT. I have 4 roommates, Katrina (my "best friend" and the whole reason why I moved out here. Holly who moved up here to go to UVU for dance with her best friend. Ashley Holly's best friend who moved up here for the same reason. (both of them are from St. George, UT) Both of them however have changed their minds and changed their major. Ashley moved back home and sold her contract to Lynnie, A cute girl fresh out of high school who has a lot of growing up to do but its kinda nice to have someone innocent to live with cause my other roommates are for sure not innocent. And then that leaves Stephanie. She and I but heads a lot and its not so hard for us to get annoyed with each other... which honestly happens all of the time. and I think it may make me want to move back home to my parents house. or just be done with roommates all together.
I am Chief now at UVU, for the cafeteria upstairs called the valley view room. If your ever at UVU and are wanting some lunch go ahead and stop by and get some food the head chief is amazing and I have learned everything that I know from him. And I just Love to cook now. It makes my day In fact I am going home to cook for my....roommates...thats right they are coming to my parents house to do laundry and then we are going to eat homemade chicken noodle soap! Im really excited to makes it. I just love to cook.

And now for the reason why this is called "BECOMING OKAY WITH BEING ME" Although moving out has been "good" for me it has also been extremely hard for me. I have been going through a ton of trials where I have no control over my life. My roommates are good people and so is my best friend Matt (who by the way lives at my place pretty much which honestly i am positive that I am no longer the reason why he comes over anymore but thats ok. Like I said they are all good people however in order for me to fit in with them most of the time I have to not be me. and it is crazy because I am so not happy with that!!!! Like i can be happy for about 24 hours and then the next night im crazy sick and unhappy and i just want to scream. However then last night happened. last night i had a friend come and give me a blessing and i came to the point where I was done and I was tired of not being me. So as of now I am becomibg ok with being me and not giving a crap that i don't fit in in my own apartment. I'll live i have the friends that I need to get through my trials i just need to use them and not the ones that I think i do because i live with them. anyway ill keep you updated. I love you ll and I'll hopefully not take four months to do so.

Love Charly Paige