its not like anyone is reading this

So since no one is reading this anyway. I figure i will vent and tare int o anything any everything and everyone that I want. I am so F ing tired of being forgotten and replaced. EVERYONE has been doing it to me. dont comment and say that you dont because everyone has done it to me these past couple of weeks and im tired of it. even my best friend has replaced me with someone else. I cant remember the last time she txt me just to say hi and to see how I am doing. I love how when everyone needs something or someone they come running to me. but when i need someone there isnt anyone there for me. These past couple of weeks it would have been so nice for one of my friends to call to see how im feeling or have someone from church stop by and see me. I'm sick they all know that. If they dont then we must not have talked for over a year anyway so this only further proves my point. Now we are figuring out what is wrong. I guess everyone has decided that the worst must be over and that I am fine. I guess it never accord to anyone that the worst of ir could be staring now. The pain that I am going through right now i cant even explain. yeah i life with it and i am still working and getting ready to go back to school but come on what other choice do i have? I can either move forward or do nothing i decided a long time ago to move forward...I just didnt realize that I would be doing it alone... Please dont comment and be like oh charmaine are you ok? is there anything that i can do for you?" because right now no one really means it. I'm tired of being there for everyone and no one being there for me. I know that Christ is thats not what Im saying so dont pull that on me either. anyone who knows me knows that I'm not going to stop being there for others...I'm just ready for some one to finally be there for me when i really need them. instead of just when they really need me. The pain from being pushed aside, forgotten, and replaced is worse then any medical pain that i can go through. but no one understands that. or cares.

Everyone wants to be different

I have a lot of friends from a lot of different places and I love them all! I've noticed one thing though. EVERYONE says that they are different! The go out and drink or get high or are emo or gangster or you name it. And most of them hate there parents and refuse to listen to them. I have around 900 something friends on face book and most of them are "different" however as I look at those 900 friends I can think of maybe 5-10 people who are truly different.

Why is it such a bad thing to listen to what our parents try and teach us? They have lived a lot longer and they are only trying to help us. I see my friends that are "different" and I honestly dont understand it. I'm not perfect and I know that I have problems doing this but its not easy to do it alone. I know on family that is amazingly close and the children of this family are AMAZING at listen to their parents and learning from their parents. Their son is one of my best closes friends and is also one of the bigest examples in my life.

His name is Paul Peterson. He is one of the people that takes what his parents taught him and used it. He is a major reason why i turned my life around when I did. He is an amazing exaple. right now he is serving a Mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Later-day Saits in Heroshima Japan.

Resently I have been spending a little bit of time with his sister Lacey. As i come to get to know her better I come to admire her even more. She is so much like Paul. They have taught me the improtance of listening to your family. I hae a good feeling that their entire family is that way. I'm not saying that they are perfect I'm just saying that they are pretty darn close!

I am so far the only child who is living the life that my parents waned for their childern. Its not exactly the same but the basics are right. I'm in college and I am growing Spiritually. Its because of this wonderful family and thier amazing example in my life that I am living the great happy life. I owe them a lot. i love my parents and the example that they have been in my life! I am so glad that I have the chace to become truly DIFFERENT and respect, honer, and listen to them.

There are others like this family. To them I say thank you. You may not realize it but you are different, and If nothiing else I lvoe you for it. Thank you.

Do You Have a Mirror?

I'm not joking do you? Go and get it you'll need it for this. Why? Well as I have been growing up somehow some of the most memorable moments have been right before I moved or right after a major change in my life ie. college, and they all involved a mirror. So got your mirror cause I want you to try it.

First was when I was still living in Boise, ID. I was at my last girls camp days before we moved out to Minnesota. I was having a really hard time with my self esteem, mainly because I felt like I didn't have a friend in the entire world. I felt like I had been mistreated by those who should care about me most, out side of my family that is. My mom had come to pick me up early, I don't remember if it was because we were leaving the next morning to go on a trip or to move or if it was because I was having such a rotten time that I had called her to come get me. Maybe it was a little of both. Anyway I remember sitting in my moms car just balling my eyes out because I was so upset and so hurt with everything that had been happening. I don't even remember what it was that had happened that made me so up set. The only thing that I really remember is my mom pulling down the visor so that I could look myself in the mirror. I can still hear her saying "Charmaine look into the mirror. Can you tell me what you see?" I said "me", then she replied and said "Can you tell me who you are?" Then more tears filled my eyes as I replied "no".

I want you to ask yourself that same question. If the answer is no that's fine it takes time to learn who we really are and this is just one way that I like to think got myself headed in the direction of knowing who I am.

I got a Text once form a dear friend of mine that read; " Do you have a mirror? Well look into it. Look at that beautiful strong young woman that you are becoming, and look at that princess and queen that you have always been, and will always be. I want you to remember what you see and who you are right now, so that when some guy comes along brakes your heart and treats you as if you were lower then dirt you wont let it continue. You are a daughter of a king and as such you deserve to be treated as one."

I got this text about a week after I started college and believe me it couldn't have come at a better time. I know that it talks to the girls but guys it applies to you too. Don't let someone treat you like crap you are of royal birth. You deserve to be treated as such just as much as us girls do.

The next one was part of a letter that one of my very closest and dearest friends gave me days before I moved to Utah from Minnesota. But because of how important it is to not only me but also to her I wont share it here. However I want to say this. Look into that mirror until you are okay with you. not physical or mentally, but emotionally. I don't want you to put that mirror down until you can be okay with who you are and what you are doing with your life. I realize this wont happen all at once however you can be okay with your life if you are choosing to make changes. Not that any of you need to make any changes I just want you to be okay with you because being okay with you is one the MOST important things that a person can do in this life! So please to that for me, and more importantly for yourself.

Now as I am planning on moving out of my house I find myself looking into a mirror again. This time I am the one asking the questions though. Today I asked myself what do I see. The funny thing is I'm still learning the answer to that question. but one day I hope that I will be able to be okay with me.

Okay you can put down your mirror now. thanks for humoring me. I know this probably sounds really weird to you to do, but for me it means a lot and I wanted to share it with all of you. I love you all and you are all great people and have made my life so amazing! I don't know where I would be without you. I hope and pray that one day you will be able to see what amazing people you all are. I truly love you. Thank you.

Ijust HAD to laugh at myself!!!

Tonight some girl friends from my singles ward and I went to go see confections of a shopaholic (which was totally worth going to with a bunch of girl friends). While we were standing in line I saw a guy that i had been trying to get a hold of all day but had no way of doing it. (you can imagine how hard that was for me to do). Well it seems like every time i need to get a hold of this guy I end up runing into him. And low and behold i did.
But okay here is the thing so this guy is just getting to know me. and well the girl and i decided that we should wear our sweats to the theater today. which believe you me I was all game for. but while i was siting in the theater I realized what shirt i had thrown on.
My brothers shirt. i borrowed it one day after work my shirt had a bunch of gross food on it so i asked to borrow one of his. I haven't returned it yet so i grabbed it. This shirt is so not me!!! i would never wear a shirt like this unless it was my brothers and i was borrowing it. why you ask? here is your reason!
Thats right it says you can't spell awesome with out me. I would never even say that! So I had to laugh because of the randomness of it all. I'm trying to get the guy to realize how professional I am and I'm wearing this shirt! good job Charmaine...Good job

I'm Pleading!!!

Lately I have a few friends that have been having problems mostly with self-esteem. They have been make extreme decisions trying to make things better for them. Only making them feel worse about them selves. I sit and watch them do these things to themselves and as they get hurt more and more try to help them in anyway that I can, but I haven't been making much good. i want them to know that they are amazing girls and don't need to go searching for things to make them happy. They have it all already with in them! They are daughters of God. Princesses and deserve to be treated as such! They have so much worth if they could only see what I see in them or even better what their Father in Heaven sees in them. I would give anything to make things better for them.

My friend Lyndsi Bromley wrote a song called "Stop" It is probably one on my favorite songs that she has ever written. It applies here she says things better then I could. I have added a video of her singing it. Listen to the words. Know that you are loved and that you deserve better then someone that puts you down all the time, better then someone that makes you feel lower then dirt. You are a daughter of God and you deserve to be treated like one! Please don't settle for anything less! You are a Daughter of a King. Don't allow anyone to tell you or treat you otherwise! I love you.


Lyrics:
There are so many songs
that I never wanted to sing
because they're born
in a sad dark part of me.
I try to Shut it down
to quite the sound of my heart
begging to say

will you stop
you cant keep going on this way
please cant you see I'm pleading
someone would you find a way
from everything so cold and dim
I don't know how to fix this right now
but please just stop

stop looking in the mirror
and hating what you see
stop believe that all you get
is what you can see
stop living like you never be enough
to ever be someone

will you stop
you cant keeping going on this way
stop listening
to what those stupid voices say
you dont need to tuck and paint
and hide away all the things
that make you beautiful in every way

don't let fear and failure
stand in your way
everything will be okay
(just let go of you mistakes)
because you know you have got to know
that there is always a way
to

stop living this way
your heart is pleading
you will find a way
you don't need someone
to take away this pain
because you have the strength
to stop

Our Salt Lake Advenchture take two!

Okay so My two favorite people and i finally made it to salt lake to go to the temple and to see the Joseph smith movie together. I'm jst going to let the pictures tell the stories! okay? here we go

I haven't hadso much fun in a long time...I'm going to miss these two when the move up north next week. i have a feeling that i will be spending all my free time up there this summer

My greatest Joy!!!

Okay so it really isn't my greatest Joy but it is really high up there! Anyone who truly knows me knows that i have always wanted one thing in life that I have never had... until now anyway. What is it you ask?

A childhood best friend or best friends. That i have grown up with and just
have that unspeakable connection to.
That no one can explain but it is just there!

See my parents moved me around a lot as I was growing up. So I never really had that one or two people that i grew up with that I still have the close connection to.

Well after hanging out with two of my best friends pretty much all day today i was driving home thinking about the things that had happened and silently smiling to myself. Then I realized something. These to amazing people that I have in my life are my "Childhood best friends!" even though I only met them this semester thats what they really feel like to me!

We went on a hour and a half walk today and we decided to all live in the same area on the same street and all stay the best of friends. Just like little kids do when they are "planning" the rest of their life's. We had a good laugh trying to imagine us all married! and living in a neighborhood (near a fire station just for Brandon silly fire fighter lol) We talked about anything and everything on our 3.9 mile walk today (yes Katrina it was that long i used a map and figured it out lol) I did the entire walk in flip-flops (not something that i recommend.) However I couldn't have enjoyed the walk anymore then i did. i am so thankful for these friends. Weather they be true "childhood friends" or not they still mean the world to me and have been a total answer to my many many prays!

So even though they may not be my greatest joy! they are still one of the greatest! thanks guys for giving me my dream even though you had no idea that you were doing it at the time. Love ya